So I can now see that me writing on this thing has now become a "can sleep in the middle of the night" kind of a thing. Its now 4:51. I really wish this insomnia would go away. Its better, but obviously is still a problem! 

I have been thinking lately about what I want to do at our townhouse. I have come to the conclusion that I really do love our little place. I guess that I never thought that I didn't, but just weeks after we moved in there was the possibility of moving again so I didn't get too attached at first, but now that I know we are staying at least until probably May, things have changed. I am finally making some of the changes that really are making it feel more like a home and not just a pit stop. 

This morning I have been thinking about the curtains, and yesterday I spent a great deal of time cleaning out closets etc. I have realized that we have more room than I thought, not a lot I'll grant you, but enough to live in, we just need to de-junk and rearrange. Its funny, even on my mission I had a hard time trying to stay clean and certainly before that I was a mess, never in front rooms, I was always taught to keep those clean, but my own space. Now that I am married its funny how some switch in my head has suddenly made me hungry for cleanliness. I think its a good thing since its my job. I have realized how much harder it is for me to enjoy living here, being with my family, and feeling the spirit in a messy home. I never realized before how much it affected me, but it does now. Maybe part of it is because its now no longer just my mess, its Brett's and Zach's too. Whatever the cause, I am glad that I desire a clean home. I just wish I had the same feelings about cooking. I am working on it though. Its hard to find the motivation when there is no one here to cook for. On the days Brett works he doesn't get home til long after dinner, and on the days he doesn't, we don't stay around the house much. 

I have been thinking a lot lately about the things I have been blessed with and as I walked through the house today it made me feel it even more. I was in Zach's room for a little while (which by the way I think its so stinken cute that he's just this little guy and he has his own room)! Anyhow, I went in to watch him sleep. He is so peaceful and darling. I have always loved him, I adored him even when he was born, but the way I feel about him now is so much stronger. I guess I thought the love you feel when they are born is the amount you will always feel, but thats not true, at least for me. I love him so much more now than I did even a few months ago. I know him now, I know what makes him smile and what scares him, when he feels lonely, and when he just doesn't feel good etc. I love his little personality, he is such a happy baby and I can see now why he was sent to us. I am so glad he took after his daddy in that! Maybe some of it also has to do with loving those you serve, but I think I will always continue to love him more and more throughout his life. Its funny as I look at him I can see now that there was something missing in my heart until he came. I can feel that there is others that still have their void to fill as well. I just love him.

I also have such a wonderful husband. I fell in love with him because he could make me smile. I think sometimes I take for granted how much happier he makes me. Its easy to think that I do that myself, but its not me. I am not naturally a happy person. I am easily depressed and a worry wart, but lately I have noticed how much Brett has worn off on me and thats a good thing! 

Brett is the most open hearted person. I am naturally suspicious of people and scared to be myself around people. I am always afraid people don't like me, but Brett either doesn't notice or doesn't care about that. He seems to think everyone likes him and in turn likes everyone. Its funny how that comes back to him and most people just love him for it. He is so willing to love everyone. He doesn't judge unless he feels like he needs to help. I want to be more accepting.

Second Brett is not scared of what people think of him. He just acts like himself all the time and doesn't mind if that bothers anyone. I am trying to be more like that. I am who I am, if you don't like that, then thats that, but I can pretend not to notice and still like them back in return.

Third, Brett brings fun back to life. I am such a miser. I would rather save money or spend it on something I feel will last a long time or is needed.  Brett loves to spend money on fun. He would rather make a memory than have a nice car etc. At first I thought I was the one who was good with money because I know how to save money, budget, and if there is a little extra spend it on something that will last a long time, but I have realized thats not the case. I am good for providing safety and security, but Brett is good at the long hall kind of stuff. Its because of Brett that we ever take vacations or go do something fun. When I look back at my childhood the things that stand out are the times we did something special, like family vacations or going to Lagoon etc. I guess we both have our place, going to Lagoon would not be any fun if we had no financial security and could not pay our bills. I have lived too many years with worrying about money to know about that, but its nice to have that balance and I am glad that Brett brings that sparkle to my life! I know that we will make a lot of fun memories and will do all the things we have dreamed of because Brett will make that priority while I pay the rent.